How are communications in your house? Here at the Palace of Bundance, things can be a bit patchy.
However, never fear, I have been working on a cost-effective solution that will revolutionise domestic communications in homes around the world.
For example, I often experience communication failure in areas of domestic order restoration, footwear storage, homework initiation and bedroom mess management. I’m not alone, however, years of attempts have been made to improve communication in this area.
In some instances the solution is obvious – headphone attachment syndrome, not-bloody-listening-to-me disorder. Although in this tricky field identification doesn’t necessarily effect a solution. Act fast, shout loud and, if you’re lucky, you’ll nip it in the bud.
Whatever the cause, observations reveal that children do not generally suffer from a global communication dysfunction. Oh no, the symptoms are selective and infuriating.
For example, children will generally be able to demonstrate the most efficient communication skills via the medium of FaceTime particularly when sender and recipient are in the same room. This rapid, Apple product enhanced, communication will usually be accompanied by loud cackles, exaggerated facial expressions and, in some cases, farty noises.
However, in the past few years, I have observed a mode of communication that will knock the socks off any app-based electro giz-ery.
This method is called CludgEdoor. The phenomena was first observed not long after Boy One began to talk. Whenever an adult – particularly me – went to the lavatory Boy One would have something urgent to communicate.
The same thing happened with Boy Two and Three. And, occasionally, in regressive mode, the Panther of News. They would stand outside the loo and yell at me. Suddenly communication became urgent and important. Messages had to be passed on.
Building an extension and adding two more toilets to the house simply reinforced the effectiveness of the communication as the child will roam the building shouting until he happens on the locked door behind which I am.
Excited by the phenomena, I have conducted rigorous control and double-blind tests. Shutting doors and hiding elsewhere, locking the door but not using the lavvy, and so on…
Without a doubt the effect is at its most intense during a bowl movement, but works reasonably well at other times.
But how can this breakthrough work for you? Simply imagine the coast is clear and lock yourself in for a sitdown and watch CludgEdoor take place. Before long someone will be shouting at you. Suppress the urge to bellow “bugger off” and instead say “do your homework” or “empty the dishwasher”. They will be so flabbergasted they will do it, or they’ll leave you alone – either way is a positive outcome.
I’m currently working on some groundbreaking experiments of reverse CludgEdoor where I wait until a child (or husband) is ensconced and start shouting at them.
I strongly predict that CludgEdoor will be making a big splash everywhere soon.