One of the things from the – seemingly endless – list of things they don’t tell you when you become a parent, is there will be some things your children will not learn, no matter what.
Instead, you will repeat requests for the apparently simple tasks to be done again and again. You will also rant, yell, mutter and threat. But nothing will change.
It starts to feel like a conspiracy. Maybe the Boys – perhaps with the Panther on side too – get together and say: “How’s Operation Driver Her Loopy going? Keep up the good work with ignoring her.” Nah. That’d be paranoid, wouldn’t it?
So how come these bright lads – who can recite all of the Skyscraper Wean, know their way around the periodic table and who can, almost, beat me at the Big Brain Academy card game – can’t remember to perform a series of mundane tasks?
There isn’t another explanation; it has to be an evil plot to keep me in my place. I wonder how long before they recruit Boy Three to their sinister scheme?
I could spend hours looking for the secret meeting notes to confirm my suspicions, but I don’t need to. Their agenda of aggravation would include:
Never put the top on the toothpaste tube.
Never put the light off in the bathroom.
Never turn shirts the right way out or remove pants from inside trousers.
Never replace an exhausted toilet roll.
Never return shoes to appropriate shoe storage site.
Never turn head to gain view of clock when there is a mother there to tell the time for you.
Always return empty tins, jars and cartons to cupboard, shelf and fridge.
Always return empty coathanger to wardrobe.
Always pile laundry near laundry basket, never actually in it.
Always look surprised when homework is suggested, despite having some to do around 120 days of the year.
Always blame your brother for trouble.
Always remember to utter the code phrase “do I have to?” when asked to do a chore.
Always show interest in magazine/book/paper of mother’s by reading over her shoulder.
Maybe it’s time to admit defeat. Boys, you win, you have driven me loopy, well done. Now, please, do as I ask, just once.