When they say a change is as good as a rest they’re wrong…

Things I’ve learned from our trip to Haven Holiday’s Burnham-on-Sea camp

Little will deter a nearly two year old hell bent on escape. That’s it really. Boy Three will go pretty much where Boy Three wants and there’s not much we can do about it.

Ensuite facilities should be a human right. I know it’s shallow and spoilt, but I don’t care. Alone in the wilderness is one thing, but I don’t like crossing a road and having to be polite to strangers on a small-hours trip to the ladies.

I could be the new Nigella, if all she had was a microwave. The fragrant Ms Lawson wouldn’t do any better than me in a tent with a microwave and a hob she’s too scared to use what with the hazards of toddlers and canvas. And microwave pizzas really aren’t that bad.

There’s nothing wrong with Radio 2. The Panther of News and I have resolved to adopt a bullish approach to our radio listening choices. We caught ourselves yelping with pleasure when we discovered the telly in our tent also served as a digital radio. To hide our embarrassment, we’re ordering some “So What. We Like Jeremy Vine And Ken Bruce And Don’t Care Who Knows It!” t-shirts.

Queuing for a swimming pool that’s already full is never going to end well. If the scene through the steamed-up glass resembles human soup with a side order of verrucas, it’s just not going to be very nice in there. And it won’t get better when you discover there are only three showers and they’re all very, very cold.

Pedal power is surprisingly good fun. A hour-long rental of a bike/cart (sorry kart) thing for the big Boys and I, turned out to be excellent entertainment. Particularly if you take a run at the speed bumps or attempt a hand-brake turn.

Tents – especially big ‘safari’ type ones – are fascinating. But after a while the steady stream of people looking into ours got somewhat wearying. Perhaps they were on a safari and we were some of the Big Four they were hunting.

Cheddar isn’t the least bit cheesy. In fact, it makes for an excellent day out, unless you’re nearly two and not very happy in gloomy caves. The PoN took his little cub back to camp for a nap while Boys One, Two and I had a splendid time exploring the labyrinth.

Boring old customer service should never go out of fashion. We were disappointed to find that perhaps old-school attention to detail was off on its jollies during our visit. Yes, Boy One really did lose £1 in a slot machine; no, we didn’t specifically order rubbish food; yes, we’d like to be able to lock our valuables up; yes, we would like to have a key for the family bathroom, but, no, the person you’ve referred us to isn’t even on duty; yes, we prefer warm water; no, we don’t want to go to the nightclub, but, neither do we want a free Beatles tribute band performance audible from our beds; and, finally, no I don’t want someone else’s abandoned ear plug left near my bed.

The Panther and I are good together in adversity. See above.