Total Wipeout – the domestic version

Of course there’s a monkey on the light fitting

This morning has been something of a trial. Properly testing the little ship of equanimity I’d sailed out of my yoga weekend in. Huge gusts of crabbiness were threatening to dump me in the ocean of irritability.


Then I realised. It’s just a game. Total Wipeout for people who don’t want to go to Argentina and put on wet suits.


First obstacle. Negotiate getting away from the toddler you woke up beside. He has a bad case of CLF (contrary little fellow) and after kicking you and demanding kisses will play his trump card – I want a weewee in the toilet. 


Second obstacle. CLF toddler won’t want to use the nearest toilet. 


Third obstacle. Boy One will insist that you are a bad parent for not buying exactly the right kind of toast pockets. Meanwhile you must slit open defrosted pittas perfectly to prove him wrong. 


Fourth obstacle. Boy Two will whinge that he asked for his toast first, yet refuse to make his own. Meanwhile he will wind up both Boy One and Boy Three (the toddler).



Fifth obstacle. While you’re still slitting pittas you will be expected to find exactly the right dinner money for two children. 


Sixth obstacle. Someone will have hidden Boy Three’s shoes and when you find them he will announce that he hates them. 


Seventh obstacle. You must maintain the impression of listening to Boy One who, from his position on the autistic spectrum, is giving you the full benefit of his opinion about your failings because the clock is two minutes fast. 


Eighth obstacle. You will discover that chocolate ice cream has been melted all over the outside, inside and hinge of the bin. It needs cleaned up, calmly. 


Ninth obstacle. You will see that Boy Two has noticed that things are becoming choppy and is employing his best be-nice-to-mummy tactics. This means pausing to cuddle him and answer his questions convincingly. 


Tenth obstacle. Boy Three will demand a lolly pop. 


Eleventh obstacle. Boy Three – bare bottomed because he promised he’d tell you when he wanted to do a wee in the toilet – is weeing copiously in the sweetie basket that you put on the floor because he wanted a lolly.


Twelfth obstacle. Finding a cloth to mop up as the laundry sorting – so enthusiastically tackled by Boys One and Two – has resulted in most items being scattered around the bedroom.


Finish line. Wasn’t that fun? Let’s do it all again tomorrow. 


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