Oi Family, I’m On To You…

A day out at the wind farm in the rain, that’ll teach them

Sometimes I think the people with whom I live must believe me to be a bit stupid. They repeatedly do things that they tell me are one thing, but that I know to be something entirely different. 

Here are some of their ruses:

Unnecessarily complicated cooking. This happens when a person, spying some chores on the horizon, decides that his contribution to the domestic good will be to slave over a hot stove to lovingly create something very very special for his family. Admittedly there will be delicious nosh at the end of this, but the upshot will also be many, many filthy bits of kitchen equipment, a lot of time spent hunting and gathering exotic ingredients and a chef in need of much gratitude. 

I just need a new thingy. If a member of the household has agreed to perform a task on a certain day, and the day has arrived, don’t get too excited. It may well be the case that suddenly an essential piece of equipment is required and must be purchased now – even if that means a lengthy shopping trips. The perfect execution of this ploy will end up in it being to rainy or dark to do the job or in the shop being shut/sold out. 

The pre-fixture flurry. Always be alert to an unexpected bout of domesticity. Inevitably, it will end, all too soon, in kick off of a must-watch game of sport. Don’t be fooled – always establish when the sporting events are and arrange your expectations accordingly. 

Blame throwing. When someone launches a campaign to get someone else into trouble, you can be fairly sure it’s a smokescreen. I’d have a long hard look at whatever it is the accuser is trying to distract you from. 

Blatant and bare-faced. I find this one the most baffling, but can only assume it has worked at least once. It goes like this: “Have you done your chores?” “Yes.” Then a less-than-detailed examination will reveal that, in fact, the bins are still in, the dishes not done or the laundry remains unwashed. “But the jobs aren’t done.” “Oh, no. I hadn’t actually done them, I just said so.”

But I love you… Unexpected and unwarranted affection should always put you on high-alert. It’s not that they don’t love you very much, it’s just that right now they want to draw your attention from something they’ve done/not done that you won’t like. 

But I thought you’d like it… No you flipping didn’t. On what planet do you think we live if I’d like a subscription to the sports channel, a heap of dirty clothes on the floor, a large bottle of extra strong cider, a last-minute change of plan or hours spent achieving the next level/world on a computer game.