Things women are supposed to like but don’t really

My son – I’ll bet you don’t give a hoot

Years ago I had a boyfriend whose mother used to feed me ice cream, gallons of it. I learned to greet each huge bowl of vanilla with convincing enthusiasm as I slurped it down.

I can’t remember where it started, but she believed I adored ice cream, so she always got it in specially. It seemed harmless enough at first and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I smiled and swallowed.

But as time went on I started to dread the mounds of creamy stuff I was supposed to scoff. Was I forever to be the girl who loved ice cream – never to be offered cake, biscuits or even a salted peanut?

Thankfully for all concerned, except perhaps the local ice cream shop, the relationship collapsed like a choc ice left out in the sun.

Lately, however, I’ve been reminded of this feeling. You know. Pretending to love stuff you, at best, feel ambivalent about.

Cake.
Particularly cup cakes. There seems to be some collective belief that being in possession of a vagina means the inability to think straight in the presence of sponge with icing on it.

Shoes.
Ok, they don’t answer back and always fit even on fat days. But most of us would struggle to sustain shoe-based enthusiasm for more than about five minutes. You put your feet in them after all. 

50 Shades of Gray.
Badly written not very porny porn. Many of us might have read it, but only to see what the fuss is all about – and now we all know it’s just a bit rubbish. We’re certainly not soft-headed enough to be driven to the brink of a sexual revolution by this mince.

Brad Pitt.
Maybe once, in the Fight Club years, but not now, not with the straggly hair, the nasty rumours and all the weans.

Puppies and kittens. 
Awww cute. Now, back to our interesting conversation. We all know they only stay cute for about five minutes before turning into big animals that scratch furniture and stick their bums in your face, or poo inconsiderately and lick their balls noisily. Grown up pets just aren’t interesting. At all. 

Hairless men.
Apparently, we are supposed to find men with no hair on their bodies sexy. It’s fashionable for blokes to exfoliate, unfortunately our libidos don’t do fashion. 

Children. 
Just because we can bear them, doesn’t mean we can bear other people’s. Clearly, there are notable exceptions, but, mostly we just don’t care about your kids… ours are much more interesting.