Top Facebook crimes

A post from 2013, but this week Facebook reminded me that it was 10 years since I first posted a status – back in the day when you’d be happy to be poked by a chum. I thought it could do with another airing.

A good eye, deer.

What did we do before Facebook? I can’t quite remember but it must have involved either talking to people or forgetting you ever knew them.

Obviously, life is so much richer now we have a constant stream of thrilling updates from people we don’t really give a monkey’s about.

In fact, you would probably walk past them in the street because you’ve only ever seen them about an inch high posing on a beach or at the helm of a yacht. 

It’s to them I address this post, not my real friends, naturally. They wouldn’t do anything annoying on Facebook. 

Some status updates make me want to seek those responsible out and do really irritating and inconvenient things to them, if only I really knew what they looked like.

Here are some of them:

Mystery misery. “:-(” or similar. “I hate this” “get me out of here”. We ‘friends’ are supposed to rush over and ask what’s up as if we care. We don’t.
Passive aggressive. For example “Some people make me cross” or “I am so angry I could poo”. Don’t try to recruit us to your team. Grow a pair and deal with whoever it is direct.
Look how interesting I am. “Ooh I’ve got some thrilling news but I can’t tell you”. “You’ll never guess what happened”. No I won’t cos I don’t care. Instead of just spilling the beans or liberating he cat, you tease us into thinking your existence isn’t mundane when it really is.
Look how interesting I am part 2. The opposite to the above. For example “Ooh I put petrol in the car today” or “Ooh, dental check up crazeee days”. Stop a minute and consider that you are expecting virtual friends (actual strangers) to care about this rubbish.
Spelling and grammar are for other mugs. No they aren’t, just do it properly. Your smart phone is cleverer than you are, let it do the spelling. 
Face boasting. “Look at my holiday/ new car/ shoes/ perfect life”. Yeah whatever.
Face mug. Sharing of evidently fraudulent schemes. “Like this post and I’ll send you a unicorn” “Comment on this post and all of One Direction will be naked on the unicorn”. Obviously implausible, unicorns aren’t that big. 
Charitable updates. Joining in the latest let’s make men look stupid and pretend we’re doing something to tackle cancer is moronic. Stop it and make a donation to the charity. 
Irony deficit: Reposting something on social media platform that harks back to the days of Cheggers Plays Pop or childhood polio.
Desperate appeals: Anyone asking me to solve a crime, plant a crop on a non-existent farm, crush stuff or build things deserves to have their toes stamped on hard. If I wanted to waste my time with this stuff I’d probably manage it all by myself. 
Bandwagon bouncing: Leaping on the latest passing trend just because someone cool posted about it first. Grow up and form your own opinions. 

And finally. 

Cute animals. I used to think they weren’t acceptable, ever, but, hey, I’ve mellowed. Ration yourselves, please, pet lovers.