I wrote this post three years ago. Has anything changed?
It was magical. Sunlight made the mountain snow sparkle and the only sound was boots crunching. Boots crunching and people talking.
Three women were chatting – intelligent, successful women enjoying the stunning Scottish scenery, respite from the festive round and the chance to climb a hill.
What were these women discussing?
They might have been talking about how they could make the world a better place. They may have been telling fascinating and hilarious stories. Maybe they were recounting the times they’d done something amazing, or the next carefully planned twist in their careers.
And there was a bit of that. But again and again their conversation turned away from the wide world and their place in it and came round to men and the things they do (and mostly don’t) do.
They don’t, it seems, do their fair share (or even half) of the boring domestic things.
They don’t, apparently, take charge of very much if there’s someone else to do it.
They won’t, evidently, see chaos and bring order.
They can’t, when ill, suffer the discomfort alone.
But that’s just the start of it.
Now these three women would count themselves as feminists (certainly the one I can speak for does), they’d also fight hard for equality on other fronts too. They’re modern, creative and right-thinking (whatever that is).
So what’s going on? They know that ‘traditional’ gender roles are bunk, that big boys can cry if they want to and girls don’t just wanna have fun, they want their voices heard and not to be objectified.
Why then are they still having the same conversations and experiencing the same frustrations white hot rages and yet still picking up the stuff of the floors of their homes more often than anyone else does?
Have they chosen their mates badly and should have plumped for a more enlightened chap? But their other halves (the one I know fairly well anyway) talk like a man perfectly qualified to walk around in a ‘this is what a feminist looks like’ t-shirt.
Are they just dishing us a big fat fib and hiding a blubbery heap of misogyny behind a lot of right-on speak? Do they really secretly wish we’d just shut up about it and get on with the dishes?
Can we allow them to skulk off to the man caves beloved of the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From The Kitchen subscribers? I don’t believe we are really such different creatures on account of our reproductive equipment. It can’t be true, can it?
Everyone hates housework, but women end up doing most of it. (Source: Entirely unscientific survey of lots of people I know.) And I’ve run out of ideas for how to fix this.
I tried ignoring the work until it was done fairly. Result – squalor.
I tried discussing the work and organising a rota. Result – either a bad case of bossy headmistress or squalor.
I tried rewarding domestic effort with sexual favours. Result – bewildered husband.
I tried reminding. Result – I was nagging.
I tried setting an example. Result – I was doing it all.
I tried dropping hints. Result – I was doing it all.
I tried dropping heavier hints. Result – I was nagging.
I’m tired of the conversations, I don’t want to nag but I don’t want to live in squalor. Please help, I’m out of ideas.
I want to be a feminist and maybe make the world a better place, but how can I if I do most of the housework?
(PS I know there are some men out there who do their share and more. If this is one of the two of you, maybe you can shed some light on what’s going on here and what we can do about it.)
By coincidence this evening I was chatting to a chap who tells me that, of his own volition, he gets up at 6.30am to sort breakfast, make packed lunches and put the washing on etc. And the young kids he lives with aren't even his. I was amazed. He said he likes things orderly and he likes to be busy. He just likes to do these things to help his partner out. He also does the majority of the cooking. Why aren't more men like this?!
So funny. I just do it all Ellen or spend his money on a cleaner! I have a theory that women just want to do more, fit more in and if he was doing breakfast you wouldn't be lying in bed enjoying it, you'd be planning a trip out or a new design for the garden or god forbid out to IKEA to buy a Billy bookcase. You see they know they can't keep up, there would always just be more for them to do…
Very good question.
There may be some truth in this. But I don't know if we become like that because mostly there isn't enough time or if we are born like that.
We do have a cleaner, even though I don't work full time. He pays. It saves a lot of arguing.
TBF DH has quite a few jobs that are his- he does the washing and often hangs it out, He cooks for us when he gets home and does bedtime if he is home and feeds the kids during the weekends.
He was bought up in a house with a mum and two sisters and was expected to do stuff and I just expected him to do stuff when we got together and got married too.
So it's just evolved that way.
I think it's important to let them know what your expectations are. And I don't shy away from pointing stuff out if he's not pulling his weight. We do have arguments about it sometimes, as he still walks past things that are just lying on the floor and need moving.
I do think it's important to train your kids to do stuff as well, even if you have to stand over them and it would be easier to do it yourself!
Wish I knew what the answer was – we have similar issues – squalor or nagging, neither of which I fancy and this is despite me not being the at home parent either….
I do try. I think it's the least I can do for the world to turn out three boys who know how to pull their weight, but when only one adult sets an example…
If you ask me we're caught in a vicious circle of our own making – both men and women.
Men hate nagging, but they never do as we ask, making sure we have to ask them again and again and again and ……..
Women hate having to do everything. But we crack up when our husbands do nothing and we just do it all anyway.
The solution? If I knew that, I'd be a zillionnaire!
Call me old fashioned but pocket money goes quite a long way with the kids, but it still involves nagging. The other adult could, perhaps pay for your cleaner to come in more often? Good luck with that 😉 HNY X
It's frustrating isn't it?
I agree that women are partly to blame too.
Paying for more cleaning (or whatever else can be paid for) is about the best thing I can think of.
We’ve always shared the duties equally, until lately when it’s become harder for him physically. Now he pays me to do, but will still help. Maybe I’m just extraordinarily lucky…I certainly feel it.