The naked truth about underwear

Pants, knickers, scanties, undies or (not-so) smalls. Whatever you call them, they are a pretty important part of any woman’s outfit – especially if that woman is significant in years and/or size.

While you might have thought that such commonplace attire is so familiar that they couldn’t hold any secrets, you’d be wrong. These unmentionables are probably called unmentionable because there’s a whole secret side to them that never gets, erm, mentioned. Maybe we should start calling them mentionables and here’s why…

The most common colour in the underwear drawer is grey

It doesn’t matter how carefully you wash your white undies, they will all end up grey anyway. I’m not sure why this should be and you’d have thought that, what with modern technology and all, you could invent a bra that stays white.

Buying white bras is pointless

See above. Instead, choose a different colour – like the ones from knix.com.

There’s a direct correlation between age and size of pants

There was a time when I could hardly find pants small enough. Titchy, stringy things – buttock floss, perhaps. Can’t think why you’d need to, but if you did, you could scrunch them into the palm of your hands. Not any longer. Big is beautiful and comfortable when it comes to knickers. More is, well, more.

Give your heart to your bra carefully

Sometimes you fall in love. There’s a bra that is comfy and lovely and a pretty colour and you adore it. And now it’s doomed. As soon as you decide it’s your very very favourite, it’ll die within days. Weeks at best. The hooks will bend, the wires will escape, your tits will escape and, worse, your heart will break.

You probably aren’t having a heart attack

Still with matters of the heart. Everyone who owns a bosom and a heart will, at some point or other, wonder if they are having a serious cardiac event, only to discover that the wires are absconding and stabbing you in the chest.

The price you pay for ignoring the instructions

Complicated garments, such as brassieres, will usually tell you – if you read the label – that they should be washed by hand. Seriously. Does anyone have time for that? Consequently, the wires will wreak revenge by buggering up your washing machine and/or dryer.

You will, at least once, carry a peanut in your bra

Not, usually on purpose, but a low cut top and distracted snacking can sometimes lead to catching a treat for later, when you let your ladies out at the end of the day.

Gussets are too narrow

There, I’ve said it. Many pants appeared to be designed by people whose understanding of the female anatomy comes from studying the undercarriages of teddy bears.

The two camps of bra-wearing

Some women can’t wait to get home and can perform that bra off, down the sleeve manoeuvre within moments of getting through the door. Others, in contrast, hate taking theirs off – perhaps they provide a shield of satin, who knows – and will even wear them in bed. This is a divisive issue and arguments may break out over which policy is best for the preservation of perkiness or otherwise.