Not looking left or right and not listening. Naah naah naah can’t hear you. Stop asking if I’m all ready for Christmas – I’m not. Stop sending me emails, letters and catalogues telling me what I absolutely can’t do without this festive season – I can. Stop telling me how many shopping days there are […]

Everything’s getting bigger – burgers, crisp packets, plates, chairs, cornflake packets.Soon we’re all going to be so fat toilets will be reflective because it’ll be the only chance we have to see our own genitals. Why, then, do hotel rooms – even quite fancy ones with flat screen tellies and four kinds of tea – […]

Seasons of mists and mellow fruitfulness, Close-bosom friend of the maturing sun…Even in Johnstone, the foliage around Ludovic Square is still on the branch and busy with the business of brightening to orange and gold. A few brave souls resist the season, defiant in open-toed sandals and t-shirts. There are even a few remaining burgers […]

Generally I’m not a big one for sharing my dreams. There’s two reasons for this. Firstly, most people’s nocturnal soap operas are beyond boring, mine included and secondly, when occasionally they are mildly diverting, you might regret sharing.I’m still regretting going public about my sleep-time erotic encounter with the then Chancellor Gordon Brown.But I had […]

How weird is this?My mobile rang this afternoon and a smiley sounding lady announced that she was from Orange and could she ask me a few questions with a view to getting me a better mobile deal. “Sure.”I was quite chuffed because it had been on my mind to go back to Orange. I huffed […]