The other day, after overhearing a news report, my older kids, nine and twelve, asked who Stephen Lawrence was.
So, I explained. I’d like to think I’m reasonably good at explaining news stories in simple terms – I worked on tabloid newspapers for a few years after all. But my nine year old started to look increasingly perplexed and finally said: “Whats a black man, mummy?”
He didn’t look very enlightened by anything I told him. There was a huge air of “so what” about him. He simply didn’t understand that one group of people should have a label just because of how they look and that other groups of people would use it against them. Oh sweet innocence.
Some of it is probably because we live in a village with very few non white (what’s the right term?) people. Ok, most of it. Colour, race or whatever doesn’t even feature in conversations at home, at all.
It hadn’t crossed my mind to teach them about racism. Certainly I’d have had plenty to say if it stamped it’s ugly way into my house, but it hasn’t.
We’ve had very serious conversations about sexual orientation, gender and insults of a personal nature when the need has arisen, but race simply hasn’t.
Do I need to teach my kids about this?
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I think everyone does Ellen. My son, the Boywonder was hostile to black people at two years old. This was due to unfamiliarity, I think. We live in an area where most ethnic minority people are Asian, and not many of those.
Maybe I am particularly sensitive to this, being of Indian origin myself. I was a diversity consultant at the time so it was particularly galling. But hatred comes from fear and fear comes from unfamiliarity. I wouldn't make a huge thing of it, but I'd definitely try and introduce the odd multicultural book into his repertoire.
Msalliance, not a bad idea. Can you recommend any? I'd like to think that he gets quite a lot of exposure to ethnic groups through kids' tv, but actually what there is is fairly token.
Msalliance, my daughter asked a man why his face was so dark in a shop once when she was about two. Funny thing is we live in London and she has loads of black friends. This man took it in good humour and started explaining where he was from etc. I was surprised by my reaction though (I was mortified) because really it's just like her commenting on someone's dress or something.
Ellen, I have avoided discussing racism with Cara, which is hard as there are certain members of R's family who are openly racist. She is in a fairly mixed class at school though and I assume it will come up at some point at which time I will take the opportunity to brain wash her. I can remember copying a racist statement at home at about her age and my parents reaction told me that it was something VERY unacceptable.
I can understand why you haven't ever talked to Boys 1 & 2 about it – I would also prefer to protect their innocence as it's a very grim thing for them to have to learn about. But as it has come up, I would probably take it as a chance to educate them about it now. Hopefully it will give them the courage to stand against it if they ever do find themselves in a situation where people are being racist. I can imagine they would be pretty appalled and R's reaction is the right one – why should it matter?
We've had some interesting conversations recently as C would prefer to have darker skin so she understands that skin colour is due to where you/your parents / your grandparents come from, but not that some (deficient imo) people think that it can group you or make you better / worse than any one else.
PS v. cute photy.
Jo, I agree with C, darker skin would be lovely, instead of pale and blotchy. But you're right it does need to be addressed.
I think you're handling it the right way by answering their questions when they arise. And I'm sure with you and the Panther for parents, there is no way the boys will grow up as bigots.
Kids will pick up things at school but I believe it's the home background which is crucial.
Jo, we too have racists in the (extended) family and I'm so glad I don't have kids to be exposed to that. xxx
Yes. We do.
I'm really glad you raised this question.
We form our opinions regardless of what is or isn't talked about at home. If we want our feelings thoughts etc with our children we have to talk them through. They don't have to agree but they need the space to try out thoughts and ideas in an environment that we can think about our answer.
Sadly, things that aren't talked about can sometimes come up at just the wrong times, when we then dismiss them and don't often return.
We'd never dream of not talking about sex education or smoking/drink. Colour, race, racisim is something we should do too regardless of where we live because people of colour are everywhere. ( Although not always represented well from everywhere)
I read recently that children are not passive absorbers of knowledge, rather, active constructors of concepts. They will distort facts to fit categories already formed in their minds. Conversations about race have to be explicit.
Nurture shock- Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Taken from the chapter: Why white parents don't talk about race*
Fascinating read .
Debbie, the other stuff mostly has arisen, but this hasn't.
Melitsa,
You make a good point that we need to discuss things at home, at leisure. Thanks for the reference, I'll have to figure out a way of raising it.
I think it needs to be taught at at home. People need to be treated with respect whether they're black or white, gay or straight, or whether they're different. People should be taught that everyone's normal, even if they don't look/act like it.
p.s. I've Asperger's and I feel that people should treat us the same as normal people; same as people should treat people of different race as their own. Any sort of discrimination shouldn't be tolerated in any way, not in the 21st century. Anyway, I've written my own book about having Asperger's (I'm in my late twenties!) so if you'd like to have a look at my site then please do!!
Juliette
Hi Juliette, I agree and I do try to teach equality at home. It's just race hadn't even arisen. My eldest has Asperger's and I refuse to let him – or anyone else – consider it a condition that disadvantages him. It's just a difference to be treated as matter of factly as hair colour.
Me again! How refreshing to read all your comments. My parents in law were horrified that I was teaching my children about race as, in their view, children just didn't see difference. This was patently untrue.
People I know seem horrified when the subject of sexuality comes up too. In this day and age how is homophobia acceptable? I'm proud that my children don't seem tho think like that and will challenge things as they come up.
I've also been very careful to try and get my children to see things from all points of view. Erode they settle on their own
Msalliance, I think that even if, for a while like my son, they don't see significance in the difference, they need to know how the world works.
Homophobia utterly isn't acceptable, as my kids know. The first time one called another 'gay' as an insult, I explained what was wrong with it and suggested they refer the matter to their aunt and her civil partner and see what they had to say.
The 'ism' I have the most difficulty with is sexism. The infection of that is everywhere.
What a sad world we live in. But having read all the comments here I'm concluding that I like the idea that another positive outcome of the Stephen Lawrence convictions is a very clear opportunity for parents to explain to their children that racism exists and it's plain wrong. The fact that the children don't see any difference other than skin colour can therefore be applauded so they take that message away. Ellen, I like your analogy to hair colour. We should be as comfortable about discussing black, white and brown skin colour as we are about hair colour. Sadly we're all rather scared of getting it wrong so we don't really know how to talk about it – but I like to think we're learning. I'm going to share this story as I know lots of Mums who will be in the same boat and welcome an opportunity to use this case to create a simple discussion point.
Hi Ruth, Thanks. I wonder why race is such a difficult one to discuss, because it is. I'm going to try very had to keep applying all these rules about it being just like hair colour. Actually that might work well as the boys have experienced gingerism!
I think it's a tricky subject with young children. Their innocence makes me smile but like anything that could affect them when they get older it's best that it's explained. Better an explanation of it from a parent than seeing it first hand at school etc.
I was (lightly) told off by a friend for telling C that men could marry men and women could marry women. I was a bit taken aback because, well, they can and my friend loudly told our girls that 'normally' men marry women, and I corrected her to 'more commonly'. It's a wonder I have any friends!
Undercover Granny, It is tricky but you're right they need to know about it.
Jo, Funny. I had to have that conversation with the boys before Super Sister's civil partnership. My problem was then telling Boy One that, of course, he could marry his friend, but probably best wait to see if he still felt that way when he was grown up.
At least we can tell them things like that in a straight forward way these days. It must have been complicated explaining that men could love men and women could love women but the law wouldn't recognise it. Cara wants to marry her friend AND the 'invisible' boy that lives upstairs
I have to admit that reading this really surprised me. It's not something that I have ever discussed with any of my children, although the youngest are only five so I expect the questions will start at some point.
As I say,just from another perspective it's interesting to read how people with no relatives or family members who are not white approach this issue. As with most others it's difficult to judge how a child will react; interest or indifference!
To explain a bit more clearly before I am jumped on, I have four children. The two eldest have a Jamaican father and the two youngest an Australian one. So it's no surprise that the eldest had ever asked this question
(I hope this isn't taken the wrong way at all, I just had to comment as it isn't something that had crossed my mind in almost 23 years)
Mumma Bunny, Thanks for your comment. I think it's a thing – I won't go as far as saying issue – for us because of where we live and, as you say, there are no non white people in the family. TBH I hadn't thought of it until the conversation with my son.
Am really glad I stumbled across the post, gave me an insight into something I hadn't considered for a while. I have a sneaky feeling that after so many years of bringing up boys, it will be the first of many new considerations with the girls